Transparency in Motherhood

Since our last meeting, I was rocking through my new "Women Living Well" book by Courtney Joseph AND THEN, I hit a brick wall. There were a few sections in a particular chapter that were hard for me to digest, hard for me to put into practice. Oh, how I am a wife that needs to learn how to love unselfishly?!

I got to catch up with a girlfriend last week--well, as much catching up as you can do when you've got your eyes on two 2-year-olds and one 9-month-old. (HI, FRIEND! :) ) She expressed to me that her little family was thinking about adding another addition, and she sought my advice. It made me chuckle, because I have NONE. Life with two little one's is crazy. Never a dull moment. Never a quite house. Never a clean house. She went on to say that I "always seemed like I had it so together." Oh my! I wanted to embrace her, not because I was flattered by her comment, but because I wish she could see the real housewife and mother that I am.

I am so thankful for transparency. Because so many women have gone before me and shared their stories of struggle and stories of success, I have always known that wasn't walking alone in my motherhood journey. I am so moved by some of their stories! So, I have made a commitment to myself that I will be more transparent with those in my life, so that God can be glorified. He does something with the mess that I make everyday!

That being said, I'd like my sweet friend to know that I'm a mess! Before I put my two-year-old to bed this evening I asked for his forgiveness for all the times that I didn't demonstrate the kind of patience that I should have today. I never feel like I do enough for the sweet boys that I share a home with. I never feel like I've demonstrated God's goodness and grace enough to them throughout our days. Motherhood has brought out insecurities that I never knew I had, motherhood has brought out a vulnerability that I never knew. Motherhood has brought out the "prayer warrior" in me, because most days, that's all I feel like I have to cling to. My heart now walks around on the outside of my body in the form of two brown-eyed boys. Fear and doubt consume my thoughts as I think of this cruel world that my boys have to grow up in. Sometimes when my thoughts turn bad, when my attitude is negative, when all I can think about is laying my head on my pillow at the end of the day, I can just say "Jesus. Jesus. Jesus." We get through our day, and each morning we wake to new mercies :)

So, dear friend. I don't have it all together, but I serve a great God who does.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." -2 Corinthians 12:9

AMEN, friends!

Wife of your Youth

This blogging a little bit here and there seems to be working out for me! :) All two posts of it.

Bringing home another baby in 2013 made me a member of the infamous "Two Under Two" club. This, of course, came with a whole new list of challenges, but OH, the rewards--in the forms of two perfect, healthy, adorable, cuddly, brown eyed boys.  I'd like to think of myself as a highly organized person, but this self-proclaimed talent was definitely challenged with the addition of another little one. To outsiders, probably even my husband, I appeared to be 'with it;' however, I ran myself ragged. I could take care of two boys on strict schedules (yes, I'm THAT mom!), clean house, laundry, cook meals, love on my husband, and whatever else household duties called. Mentally I was exhausted, though. My thought life almost turned bitter, which was hard for me to admit as a rather uppity, cheerful girl. Even though it might not be displayed outwardly, my patience was thin. I beat myself up.

I knew I needed to make changes within myself, so that ALL my boys could have the very best of me! (Read: I mostly feel like my husband was receiving the short end of the stick). Proverbs 5:18 reads "Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth." I first began to meditate on this scripture more than six months ago, but it wasn't until a month or so ago that it hit me hard. Fountain of blessing? Yeah, I felt like my fountain was pretty dried up. Wife you your youth? The gray hairs on my head and dark circles under my eyes lost me that title. There wasn't much light-hearted youthfulness being displayed after I put my boys to bed each night.

With a new year and new resolutions, I wanted to make these changes so that I can be the best little mommy and best little wife that I can be for my family. To make sure my head is straight and focused each day, I'm committing to more solitary time, even if it means retiring to bed a little earlier than my husband so I can have some quite, uninterrupted moments. Even if it means waking early to shower and organize for our busy day. I was exerting all my time and energy on my home and plopping my nearly asleep head down on my pillow each night without taking any moments for myself. As much as I like to think that I'm Superwoman, reality has let me know that I do not thrive in an unorganized, busy, chaotic environment. I need alone time and slow time and home time to renew my spirit each day. It's just how God wired me. I already feel so much more at peace than I did even a week ago

This is obviously what is working for me, and I know that each of us are created uniquely and beautifully. I'm always looking for creative ways to carve out time for me and God each day, so I'm curious to know how each of you squeeze time in your busy routines?! What kind of moments do you take each day to take care of yourself and your spirit?

Well, Hello 2014

I'm not even going to pretend that I haven't blogged in 310 days, nor will I do a fancy 2013 'in-review' blog post. Let's just pretend that I've been faithfully contributing to my little corner of the internet for the last nine months.

I'm ready to jump back on the blogging bandwagon, which is one of my resolutions for the impending new year.

Oh yeah, PS, I had a BABY in 2013. He's amazing. He's the perfect addition to my household of boys. My heart is SO full.

And, that's the only review into 2013 that I'll give you. I regress.

I'm here to lay out my new years resolutions :)

1) I'd love to start blogging again---realistically once a week. I miss my blogging girls. I read blogs all the time on my phone, and I follow several old blogging friends on Instagram. But, I miss having this little world to let my thoughts go. As a very busy mom of two precious blessings, my days are filled with busy childlike things. I'm looking forward to blogging after bedtime as I way to experience some "me" time, to draw encouragement from other busy moms, and to maybe be encouragement to someone. Each stage of life comes with it's hardships, and as fantastic as this mothering thing is, it's hard. I go to bed most nights feeling tired, sore, and defeated while being overly critical of myself on my "motherly" and "wifely" decisions for any given day. I throw this information out there, because Lord knows, I'm not alone! :) So, blog world, I'm back.

2) I'd like to acknowledge more birthdays! I said this last year, and it never happened. Thus, it's making my list again! We like to do big, fun birthdays in my house. I know how fun it is to get an unexpected card in the mail, so I've already beefed up my supply of random birthday cards from Mardel's in preparation to make this resolution happen. I'm one step closer to following-through than I was last year, ha!

3) I'd like to actually finish reading the books that are in my nightstand. I think I started "Grace Based Parenting" 16 times last year, so I almost have chapters one and two memorized. Here's whats on my short list: "Grace Based Parenting" by Dr. Tim Kimmel, "Unglued" by Lisa TerKeurst, "Women Living Well" by Courtney Joseph and "Chasing God" by Angie Smith (which is due to arrive mid-January). I've started "Women Living Well" and I'm just a little (LOT) obsessed with it! It is the encouragement that I need each day!

4) I'd like to strengthen my core. I'll just fess up (plug your ears fitness guru's), I'm not a giant worker-outer. I have a whole list of really great excuses :) However, after being in decent shape, I had two children sixteen months apart. Those experiences never really gave my body time to heal, and I feel those effects now. My back hurts at the end of every day, my posture is awful, and I look like I'm three months pregnant after my first meal of the day. While I'm not going to promise you a 2014 six-pack, I would like to really work on developing strength again---this is more or less to make me feel a WHOLE lot better, making my stamina better for my children each day, and making me a little easier on the eye to the 'ol husband. Even though he'd probably say I was beautiful just like I am, I'm sure he wouldn't complain looking at some rock solid abs :)

5) Lastly and most importantly, I want to run full-speed after Jesus each day. My quiet, devotional times are ever changing as my children's routines change. Ever since becoming a mother and finding myself responsible for these young, sweet boys my thirst for His Word cannot be quenched. Selfishly I want to experience all the "firsts" that a mother experiences with her children; however, there is not a day that goes by that I don't look at my children and pray for Jesus to return quickly! This world is so corrupt and hurting. I feel like if I can pour God's word into my life it puts a hedge of protection around my children and will help arm them with truths they need to be God's light in this dark world. My boys are so special, and I want to be the mother to them that God designed me to be. These same words can be spoken for the kind of wife I want to be and the kind of household I want to maintain. I need Jesus.

From our family to yours, we hope you have a blessed 2014 :) I'm looking forward to sharing my heart with you this year!

Our Pets Heads are Falling Off

In the wise words of Harry and Lloyd, "We got no food, no jobs......our PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF." (Dumb and Dumber)

I feel like I've hit a small insignificant (in the big picture) run of bad luck lately, and I think of that quote which makes me laugh. It always could be worse. Bentley's head is NOT falling off ;)

Wade is holding on tight in my ever-growing belly. This pregnancy was sailing by, and I was dealing just fine with the aches and growing pains of child growing. Late last week I started experiencing (for lack of better words) a heaviness in my chest, slight palpitations, and a headache. I recognized these symptoms immediately as the same symptoms that lead to my gestational hypertension diagnosis with Cale (which of course, later progressed to pre-ecclampsia). Ugh! So, when Alan got home that evening I had him check my blood pressure. Sure enough, 146/102. Lovely. Needless to say, I'm on blood pressure medication again. This time I'm taking Labetalol. The jury is still out on this one: I guess it does it's job, but I definitely experience some side effects. I'm not necessarily scared or frightened by this situation since we've walked down this road before. I was more-or-less frustrated and defeated by this diagnosis. I totally understand that it's nothing I can help---just my silly, noncompliant body. I was really just wanting things to end differently this pregnancy. I did the normal hormonal, female worrying about this situation, and I think I've got all that silly nonsense out of my system :) I just have to remind myself that God's hand is in this situation and He knows exactly when Wade's birthday will be! We thought Cale was so early and tiny, but look at him now?! So, I will just hunker down these last few weeks, and if Wade's arrival is early, so be it! God is in control and His plans are always THE BEST! :)

So one week into dealing with medication and blood pressure checks, and I wake up one morning with a rash all over the top of my belly, my boobs, and my forearms. It's itchy and annoying. I know there are several rashes associated with pregnancy, so I'm just planning on running this by my physician at our appointment on Tuesday. I'm just trying my best not to aggrevate it or scratch at it excessively. It makes my giant belly really pretty, let me tell ya.

And lastly, in my pathetic sob story, I lost my phone over the weekend. There is no story here, I just got careless and laid it down somewhere. It makes me sick to think about. Honestly, I don't mind being so disconnected from the world or social media, but I think about all my pictures and videos of my guys on there vanishing into thin air :( Blah!

So, in my own words "Got high blood pressure, nasty rash......and NO CELL PHONE FOR FACEBOOK OR INSTAGRAM."

Gah.

What a Week

This week has been a doozy around our house :/

It all started last weekend. I worked my  little big pregnant tooshie off doing chores around this house (ie: cleaning, scrubbing baseboards, laundry, furniture painting, etc), trying to get everything done before my husband came home from a short weekend trip. It was like I turned Amish--trying to get every last detail taken care of so that I wouldn't have to unnecessarily lift a finger on our family day (Sunday!). Well, mission accomplished. Only Alan came home from his Nascar trip with some sort of stomach bug. Figures. He was laid up in bed for about 24-hours, so our fun family day was non-existent.

After his recovery we knew we had Tuesday coming, which was a day we'd looked forward to for quite some time. We had our big 32 week anatomy scan with Wade's doctor, meaning we got to spend a considerable amount of time spying on him in my belly.  Didn't go as planned. During the ultrasound, things got considerably awkward as he scanned Wade's belly and associated organs. The doctor was spending a long amount of time in silence, obviously focusing on something in the belly cavity. Without even finishing scanning the remaining organs, he abruptly ended our ultrasound stating, "the baby has an enlarged liver." He quickly picked up my chart and asked us to follow him to the front desk. He scheduled us for another scan at the imaging center for the following morning and told us to immediately report to his office afterwards. Hellllllllooooo? That was it. No explanation for all this madness. Nothing. We were two very freaked out, worried parents!

During a discussion at lunch, we decided we would sit down together that afternoon and do a little internet research. We realized that there is always plenty of false information on the internet, but we figured we were 'medical' enough to decipher the good from the bad information.

Well, our search didn't lead us to one final conclusion. We found many things associated with fetal liver enlargement---none of them pleasant. We opted to keep this information to ourselves, because we didn't want to scare the bejeezus out of our family, especially since we truly had no idea what was going on. We had plenty of scenarios going through our heads, though.

Our household turned into the House of Prayer for the next 18ish hours. We prayed alone, together, with Cale, with Bentley...... We wanted our sweet little Wade to be healthy!!

Morning came and we ventured to the imaging center for our scan, then onto the doctor's office for the verdict. Of course he was out at the hospital doing a delivery, so the nurse was able to get our reading from the radiologist. Everything looked great on that ultrasound, and they measured Wade to be 4 pounds, 4 ounces. PRAISE JESUS! We were on cloud nine with that news! We are still rejoicing for the life of our healthy, sweet, unborn baby boy! :)

Fast forward another 18ish hours to Thursday morning (this morning). We woke up at 5:30am to Cale coughing in his crib--the same child that was his normal, smily, crazy, happy, playful self the evening before. When I went in to comfort him, I noticed he was burning up. Poor little dude.  As the day progressed he went downhill quickly. He wouldn't even leave my lap. He was pitiful. I couldn't get his fever to break below 101.4. He was just lethargic, whiny, and moaning :( We got into the doctor this afternoon, and my poor little guy has croup. He spent the entire rest of the day in my arms, and I finally got his fever to break by 6pm. He was a fever-ish mess by bedtime again, though.

I've been trying to rest while he is actually resting in his bed, which might be anywhere from twenty minutes to one hour, but a bowl of cereal is taking precedence on this specific occasion ;)

Needless to say, I'm ready to put this week behind us and have all my boys 100% healthy!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Cale is now fourteen months old and changing before our eyes daily. I know I'm pretty partial to my little guy, but he is one of the funniest kids I know ;) I could just sit and laugh at him all day long!

He has become quite the ladies man! He loves to plant one on the lips of any (and every) pretty girl he comes across. He started this behavior with his close friends, but now he's ventured out to "strangers."

Last Sunday when I picked him up from the nursery at church two little girls followed him to the baby gate. As I was talking to the teacher I glanced down just in time to see him kiss both girls on the lips. The younger of the two girls embraced him in a hug and they kissed three times (gasp!) before ending it with a "byeeeeeee." As I mentioned on Facebook, I'd not seen the little girls before. It's usually a class full of boys during that particular church service. Sooooo, I'd like to thank that my sweet little boy with the servant's heart was just going out of his way to make the visitors feel welcome. Right?! (Or he could just be his father's son!)

Then, today while at the park he victimized a pretty blonde pig-tailed girl, Rosie. She was probably 2 1/2 years old and seemed to take a liking to him quickly. After following him around for awhile she went in for the hug, so he took it upon himself to plant a big kiss right on her lips! Phew. I have my hands full.

Just this last week we started to switch up his night time routine. Usually, I would give him his milk in a bottle, cuddle him the recliner in his room, and sing/read to him before bedtime. I've kinda held off braking the habit of the night time bottle just because the momma in me doesn't want to face the fact that he's not a little baby anymore :/  Since we've known about baby brother Wade, we've known that we would remove the recliner from Cale's room so that it could go in the baby's room. Alan suggested that we start getting Cale used to a new routine now (he's a genius!), so we've worked on switching up bedtime habits. I expected a big fuss the first night, but Cale proved him wrong. He took his milk (still from a bottle) on the couch downstairs cuddled in my lap, got carried upstairs to his bed, said prayers, and placed in his bed where he immediately cuddled up and went to sleep. That was four nights ago. Tonight? He sat by himself (not even on my lap) on the couch, drank his milk from his cup, and went to bed. My heart broke a little.

God knew I was going to need a little baby in my arms soon, because this growing up business is hard on my heart. At this sappy rate, I might have a whole football team.

30 Week BUMPdate

It's been plenty long since I've documented anything to do with this lil' pregnancy, so here's my poor attempt at a small update.

Naturally, I've been comparing my pregnancies to each other. With Cale, I was already battling swelling and pitting edema. THANK GOODNESS I have hardly had a drop of swelling, phew! With Wade, the overall theme has been pain.

 From very early on I started experiencing pain in my tailbone and lower extremities, as well as some sciatica during my 2nd trimester. Thankfully, Wade has settled into a more comfortable position in my pelvic cavity, so I haven't experienced that kind of pain in several weeks.  I think most of the pain I experience comes with my anatomical make-up, I'm short and squatty----and, I carry Wade very low. It puts a lot of pressure on my lower extremities.  There are days that I wake up hurting in one hip or another, and I walk with a gimp all day. By the end of most days, I feel like my entire tailbone is nonexistant. On top of this pain, I started experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions several weeks ago. Good Lord, these can be painful!! I never ever had them with Cale, and no one warned me that they were not fun! :/  I can go several days without a contraction, but then there are days that the contractions will wake me up in the morning and linger around allllll day. Occasionally I'll come across one that will stop me in my tracks. After a "bad" day of contractions, my belly muscles will be flat out sore the next day. I guess it's a pregnant girls belly workout, huh?!

Speaking of pain and discomfort, I made the comment to Alan that I'd like to wait a littttttttttle longer than 8 months after Wade is born to start working on his sister. Aaaaand, Alan's response "Who knows? Maybe 'we'll' just decide to go ahead and get it all done." Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! That's why men couldn't handle being pregnant. Sweet, sweet, clueless husband. It was not a good day to make that comment to the waddling, hurting, pregnant lady ;) We will wait.

No one said pregnancy was for the weak. I'm so in love with this little boy in my belly! I'm getting so anxious to meet him. As uncomfortable as I have been this time around, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything in the whole entire world, and I wouldn't bat an eye if the Lord decided I needed to carry this baby for another 9 months. I'd do it :) again and again and again.  Don't get me wrong, I definitely have days that I'm ready for this lil' guy to be out! But, at the end of the day (even the bad ones) I'm so thankful to be Wade's mom! I don't want to sound so complain-y, just documenting for my own purposes.

We have our next official anatomy scan and ultrasound at our next appointment. I just had my 30-week check up today, and things were looking good! :)  I'm right at a 20-pound weight gain. My blood pressure was good----it was elevated at my last appointment, 130/90, but I really attribute that to a pain response from having several 'bad' days in a row. My hemoglobin checked out a bit low, but I started on some additional iron supplements, so fingers crossed and prayers said, I can escape the bad anemia I had after delivering Cale. I'm anxious to see my little guy at our next appointment, I miss his sweet little face!

We officially (and FINALLY) kinda started on Wade's room. It's cleared out and painted. One of these days I'll have a nursery to reveal on here. So far, I'm pleased with it's progress though.

My sweet, sweet girlfriend has offered to host a "sprinkle" for Wade, which really caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting any gathering, especially since I'm having these boys so close together! I'm so blessed, and I'm so excited that people love this little boy in my belly so much!

I'm ready for him to grow so big and strong so that we can hold him in our arms and love on him! I'm pretty partial, but I think he's getting a pretty good little family :)

Hopefully that's enough of an update for all my blog stalkers!

These pictures are from two weeks ago, I'll work on getting more up.