Discontentment

This post has been in the making (in my little head) for awhile, but I'm just getting brave enough to lay it all out there. I'm always moved by other women's hearts, vulnerability, and brokeness; it's time that I 

learned from their examples. Plus, I know that I know that I know that I know that I'm not the only woman in this world struggling with this.

Alternate titles to this blog post would be things such as: Spoiled Snob, Selfish, Girl Who Doesn't Count Her Blessings, Etc. You get the picture, and I realize that all of those titles would be perfectly fitting. I just can't pull my heart out of this "funk."

Discontentment is the nicest word I could think of to appropriately use to describe the current state of my heart. I have all the blessings in this world (beautiful home, loving husband, awesome family, handsome sons, etc), but my heart isn't content anymore. I have found this longing for the 'old days.' My family is constantly pulled in seventeen different directions at any given time, and at the end of most days, I find myself wanting to scream at the world, "STOP!" I have this amazing little family that I want to dote on day and night, but this world just doesn't want to stop spinning. Under our current working arrangements whenever Alan is off work, I work. And vice versa. It pretty much leaves us maybe, maybe, one day per week together. We don't ever just get to do something fun, or sit around and snuggle together, or play together....obviously we cram everything thing that has to be done into that one magical little day. Our 'something funs' are done separately now, just because one of us is always having to work. Yes, yes, yes. I realize my complaining is nonsense, but I'm just being honest. I should feel very blessed that we both have jobs, that we can pay our bills each month, that our son gets to spend every day of his life with either Alan or I......but, I just cant get past the aching in my heart to have my whole family together again doing family things like we used to.

At then end of most days, I lay down at night feeling defeated. Defeated because I haven't been the wife I should be to my husband. Defeated because I spend too much time thinking of all these negative things instead of counting my blessings. Defeated because I've beat myself all day long about these crummy feelings.

I've wrestled with God daily on this subject. Somedays I feel recharged and enlightened. Somedays I wake up with that defeated feeling. I know there must be an answer that I'm not finding. I have had crazy thoughts like putting our house on the market to downsize, downsizing my vehicle, etc....just to take some of the burden off, so that we can enjoy more time together. Obviously that's a little hormonal and extreme ;) I've asked God to show me other alternatives for jobs. Nothing. I use the word "job," because I'm not looking for a career. My heart, my "career", my passion, my mission ground is right here in my home as a wife and a mother--I'm 100% convinced of that. I need a "job" so I can help contribute to this family. We are definitely a two income family home, no way around that. I've even gone as far as asking God if there was something else totally different that I was suppose to be pursuing in life (ie: going back to school for something that could greatly benefit my family in the long run). Again, no answer.

I revert to the Word to find some hand-written notes on a Beth Moore sermon that I once heard: "Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you." (1 Corinthians 7:17) My own personal notes: "Live and Obey and Love and Believe right where God put You!" and "Don't be wishing you were someplace else. Where you are right now is God's place for you."

Ouch. How hard is that to swallow sometimes? Especially when it isn't matching up with our own personal agenda for our life.

Each day I'm seeking to obey this, but there are days I still feel miserably short of this goal. Bottom line, I miss having my whole little family in one place, enjoying each others company, without distraction from the world around us. Is this world going to stop just for us anytime soon? No. Therefore, I need to learn to be content right here where God put me.

I'm looking for your pearls of wisdom on this subject. I know some of you momma's got 'em. In the meantime, let's fight through this together?!

Ten Months

I realize that I totally missed a nine month post :( but, I didn't beat myself up over it. I've kinda had plenty going on in our little world!

My baby boy is officially 10 months old. I know it's super cliche, and I know I say it every stinkin' month, but I cannot believe how fast these months have flown by! Being a mother to this sweet little boy has truly been one of the biggest blessings in my life, he makes being a momma so easy! He is such a happy, happy, happy boy! His sweet smile and laugh are so infectious. My heart is constantly overwhelmed with love for this little guy, sometimes I think it might explode :)

Some fast facts on my sweet little Cale Michael:

• He has FIVE teeth. Two on the bottom and three on top. He thinks growing teeth is for the birds! Seriously, though, he has been a champ teether. No symptoms at all. We always know when he's working on one, because his gums will swell. Other than seeing it finally poke through, that's usually the only warning we have.

• He LOVES saying "mama" and "dada." We're also currently working on his name, he's got the "cccccc" down :) It warms our hearts to hear him so proudly profess our names!

• He crawls. all. over. the. place. Baby gates have become a rather permanent staple in our home. He is such a little explorer. Electrical sockets, cords, dog bowls, nothing is safe anymore. I'm enjoying watching him explore the world around him in a whole new way.

• He eats anything and everything that is put in front of him.  He is getting so good at feeding himself finger foods. We use his own place mat whenever we eat out these days, and he pretty much eats anything we throw at him. He dined on steak and sweet potato fries last weekend just like a big boy! It's been so much fun cooking for him! Last Saturday morning I fixed him two 'Cale-size' pancakes and a scrambled egg......aaaaand, it was devoured. He's easy to take out and about as long as there is food in front of his face :)

• He has started pulling up on things.  Most of the time he will only pull up to his knees, but a couple times he has found his feet. I found him independently 'standing' on his knees in the middle of the living room floor the other day. You could tell it caught him by surprise, because his eyes got huge with excitement and surprise!

• Just recently he has become slightly obsessed with eyes and noses. Whenever I hold him tight in my lap to cuddle, he breaks out that little pointer finger and goes back and forth between my eyes and nose. He has a Cabbage Patch doll that he will sit and flick his eyes for a good 10 minutes at a time.

• He seems to be a musical little guy. He has started 'dancing,' which is pretty darn funny. It doesn't take much of a melody to get him to bust out his dance moves! I cranked up the TV earlier to hear the CMA special, and Cale was in heaven! Not only does he dance, but occasionally, he'll break out the dancing and singing combo. I love hearing his little voice 'sing,' and often I compare it to how our Father feels when He hears our praises.

Baby Hancock #2

We were beyond thrilled to be able to share the news of BABY HANCOCK #2 with our family and friends over the last week! :) 

We found out we were expecting on July 27th, and when I say "we", I mean "me." Alan was at the firestation, and I'd been feeling rather symptomatic for several days. When I picked up the pregnancy test off of the shelf at Walmart, it was simply a matter of formality at that point.

This pregnancy was not our plan, but clearly it was a God thing. To be on the opposite side of the spectrum this time, meaning that we were totally caught off guard, has been SO fun! :) I feel so blessed to be able to experience this side of pregnancy too!

Prior to this revelation, by about a week or so, we'd had a clarification conversation that we were indeed going to wait until winter(ish) to start trying for another baby. I didn't feel like my momma heart was ready to take on another baby just yet, and I didn't feel like my body was quite strong enough to give another baby a healthy home for nine months.  I'd like to see God's smiling face while He was listening to His children have this conversation. You'd think we'd learned our lesson the first time around about God's way being the best way and God's will prevailing over anything we could dream up for ourselves. My heart is and always will be a work in progress!

For the TMI of our baby story, I'd like to chalk this surprise up to my good ol' PCOS. My cycles had not been regular in the slightest since having Cale, so I should've known that having another baby was always a possibility. From the timing of things (last cycle, marriage "activities," and symptoms), I would have had to have ovulated within the first seven days of my cycle. We were about five and a half weeks into this pregnancy when I took my positive test.

After seeing two pink lines, it took me a good two minutes of "oh my goodness, I'm pregnant" before my heart was 100% into this and 100% in love with this little life! I haven't looked back since :)

As of right now, I'm 12 weeks along. Baby Hancock #2 will be here in late March.

This pregnancy has already vastly differed from my pregnancy with Cale. I wasn't throwing-my-guts-up-sick, but I did have intense nausea and awful fatigue. At my appointment last weekend I was down -1 pound from my initial weight at my initial appointment. During my nauseous days, I could get down one 'good' meal per day, so I attribute that to the weight loss. Poor baby in my belly :(  My main complaint was the fatigue, though. I'm sure it has something to do with growing a baby, taking care of a nine-month-old, working, being a wife, etc., etc. But MAN, I felt like such an awful wife. I don't think I cooked a meal for Alan for weeks. I felt like the most unproductive, lazy sap in the entire world. I beat myself up quite a bit about it, but then I'd take a step back and remember my responsibilty to this baby (by taking an extra nap!). I'm on the up-and-up these days, feeling great! It's nice to feel like a normal, productive human again!

Emotionally, I'd be lying if I said this pregnancy hasn't been a little bitter sweet to me. I am so thrilled, blessed, humbled, astonished....that God would allow be to be a mother to another sweet blessing, BUT my heart has been aching more so than usual for the handful of friends still waiting on their miracle babies. With Cale I didn't think as much about it, because I had been deemed one of those "infertile girls." Obviously, I got pregnant this time around without doctor's visits, surgery, shots, medicines, and rigorously scheduled events. So, I've been doing all I know to do: pray, pray, pray!! I hope that God can use my story as one of hope to momma's-in-waiting. He's still in the miracle business, girls! Just hold tight.

Enough pregnancy technicalities! Just wanted to do some documenting so we can remember this precious time in our lives :) Thanks for hanging on and rejoicing with us!