Sunday, September 23, 2012


This post has been in the making (in my little head) for awhile, but I'm just getting brave enough to lay it all out there. I'm always moved by other women's hearts, vulnerability, and brokeness; it's time that I 
learned from their examples. Plus, I know that I know that I know that I know that I'm not the only woman in this world struggling with this.

Alternate titles to this blog post would be things such as: Spoiled Snob, Selfish, Girl Who Doesn't Count Her Blessings, Etc. You get the picture, and I realize that all of those titles would be perfectly fitting. I just can't pull my heart out of this "funk."

Discontentment is the nicest word I could think of to appropriately use to describe the current state of my heart. I have all the blessings in this world (beautiful home, loving husband, awesome family, handsome sons, etc), but my heart isn't content anymore. I have found this longing for the 'old days.' My family is constantly pulled in seventeen different directions at any given time, and at the end of most days, I find myself wanting to scream at the world, "STOP!" I have this amazing little family that I want to dote on day and night, but this world just doesn't want to stop spinning. Under our current working arrangements whenever Alan is off work, I work. And vice versa. It pretty much leaves us maybe, maybe, one day per week together. We don't ever just get to do something fun, or sit around and snuggle together, or play together....obviously we cram everything thing that has to be done into that one magical little day. Our 'something funs' are done separately now, just because one of us is always having to work. Yes, yes, yes. I realize my complaining is nonsense, but I'm just being honest. I should feel very blessed that we both have jobs, that we can pay our bills each month, that our son gets to spend every day of his life with either Alan or I......but, I just cant get past the aching in my heart to have my whole family together again doing family things like we used to.

At then end of most days, I lay down at night feeling defeated. Defeated because I haven't been the wife I should be to my husband. Defeated because I spend too much time thinking of all these negative things instead of counting my blessings. Defeated because I've beat myself all day long about these crummy feelings.

I've wrestled with God daily on this subject. Somedays I feel recharged and enlightened. Somedays I wake up with that defeated feeling. I know there must be an answer that I'm not finding. I have had crazy thoughts like putting our house on the market to downsize, downsizing my vehicle, etc....just to take some of the burden off, so that we can enjoy more time together. Obviously that's a little hormonal and extreme ;) I've asked God to show me other alternatives for jobs. Nothing. I use the word "job," because I'm not looking for a career. My heart, my "career", my passion, my mission ground is right here in my home as a wife and a mother--I'm 100% convinced of that. I need a "job" so I can help contribute to this family. We are definitely a two income family home, no way around that. I've even gone as far as asking God if there was something else totally different that I was suppose to be pursuing in life (ie: going back to school for something that could greatly benefit my family in the long run). Again, no answer.

I revert to the Word to find some hand-written notes on a Beth Moore sermon that I once heard: "Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you." (1 Corinthians 7:17) My own personal notes: "Live and Obey and Love and Believe right where God put You!" and "Don't be wishing you were someplace else. Where you are right now is God's place for you."

Ouch. How hard is that to swallow sometimes? Especially when it isn't matching up with our own personal agenda for our life.

Each day I'm seeking to obey this, but there are days I still feel miserably short of this goal. Bottom line, I miss having my whole little family in one place, enjoying each others company, without distraction from the world around us. Is this world going to stop just for us anytime soon? No. Therefore, I need to learn to be content right here where God put me.

I'm looking for your pearls of wisdom on this subject. I know some of you momma's got 'em. In the meantime, let's fight through this together?!


Haley said...

Girl, I'm right with you. I'm a full time working mom and it's tough. It's tough being away from my 9 month old. It's tough feeling like my house is never kept clean. It's tough knowing I'm not spending enough quality time with my husband. It's tough knowing that my heart isn't in my work the way it used to be because of my son, but at this point there's not much I can do about it. I wish I had wisdom. I too am trying to give it up to God. Because I know he's the only one who can put my mind and heart at ease. People try to be kind and give me advice, like "well do something about it." But I'm not sure that's what God is calling me to do. I think he's calling me to be still and trying to teach me something and I try to handle all this. As all-knowing as He is, sometimes it's still so hard to trust Him. Anyway, I don't have any great advice, but just wanted you to know you're not alone!

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