This probably isn't the greatest subject for a Monday post, but it's a topic that has recently been weighing heavy on my heart.
Many of you are familiar with our journey to become parents (if not, you can track our journey on my left sidebar). Lots of you struggle with infertility and/or know someone that has. For those of you familiar with the struggle, know it's a very up and down emotional battle. There are plenty of good days, but on the other hand, there are plenty of bad days. When you're trying to become pregnant you live in weeks:
Week 1: Period
Week 2: Ovulation and Copulation
Week 3: Long, Dreaded Wait
Week 4: Pee on a Stick
My life revolved around this schedule for too long. The obsession over this process that was constantly swirling in my head was probably extremely unhealthy (but, I would venture to say most women dealing with infertility have these same thoughts). I got real good at convincing myself that I had this under control, as I continued to stare at the weeks on my calendar and plan out the future of my family. Foolish, I know. You'd think that a smart girl like me would eventually realize, after months of failed attempts and several miscarriages, that I was obviously not in control of this situation. No matter what plan I worked out, God had another. He's never let me down yet, I continue to bask in the blessings that He pours into my life. God started working on my heart, and I was able to see past the heartache of our struggles. I began to have way more good days and far less bad days.
Once my medical problems and treatment plan came to light, these thoughts disappeared. Being on the Lupron and knowing that I could not become pregnant during that time helped my tired little brain relax. Other than the craziness of the Lupron, I was able to live day-to-day like any 'normal' person. No more over analyzing my calendar, no more worrying about the details of being intimate with my husband, no more spending money on useless pregnancy tests--I was totally carefree, and it was amazing to feel that way! God has used the last 6-7 months to make me stronger, and although I still don't know His will for our lives, I am absolutely content.
So, none of this is new information. I know.
If you've looked at our timeline, you know that within the next few month(s) we will be released by our infertility specialist to began this adventure once again. I'm excited, nervous, and scared all in one big weird emotion. Excited because I have a new, healthy, restored girl system to work with. Nervous because I don't know what the future holds. And scared because I definitely have expectations to have a family, but I have a full understanding that it might not be God's plan for our lives.
I feel like God has had me at practice for the last several months--practicing patience, trust, forgiveness, and courage. For lack of a better analogy, I'm fixing to be put back in the big game. I don't want to fall back into a pit of desperation and despair. I've been an athlete, I'm tough, and I have every intention of letting God work out His plan for our lives in His timing.
With all this on the table now, I'm asking that you might remember us in your prayers over the next several months. You're more than welcome to pray for a healthy pregnancy, but please remember the emotional challenges too. My goal is to be pregnant, but I don't want to forget this good work that God has done in my heart recently should challenges arise again for us.